Now Norma Knits

Be Sure You Wear Clean Underwear

This is a story for Margene.  Her surgery has been postponed to Friday, so I just want to make sure to tell her that the old warning our mothers always gave us STILL HOLDS TRUE.  Believe it.

I am not telling tales out of school by blabbing about this:  Margene shared with us (you may have missed this, but I have a memory like an elephant), a long time ago in her "100 Things About Me" post, that she hates wearing underwear.  We are personal friends and I know this is true -- she's always telling those around her that they, too, should try going commando. She's a girl from the '60s -- what can I tell ya?  Go commando!  The air feels nice!  No pinching.  No twisting.  No elastic to press on the nerves or on the tops of the thighs.  No panty lines!  It's awesome.

TMI ALERT!

Me too sometimes.  No, not ALL THE TIME.  Now I just know that every time you see me, you'll be wondering.  And of course that is EXACTLY WHY I'M WRITING THIS POST.  Heh.  

But there have been some times when this was a problem, and I just know you want to hear all about them, in excruciating detail.  

Don't you?  

Come on.  Admit it.

1.  I don't need to remind my Sisters of a Certain Age that our -- ahem -- times of the month are like, WHEN?  WHERE?  When was that last period?  Didn't I just HAVE one last ---- Uh, when was that, again?  It's a pain in the ass, even more than usual.  Am I right?  And of course it's always at the worst possible time when I'm visited by The Curse -- the day when I'm not anywhere near home, the two tampons I had in my purse have disintigrated and I've only just YESTERDAY cleaned out my purse and thrown them away, I have a packed schedule and can't get to a drug store, and all the tampon machines are not working, not stocked -- or worse, the new bathrooms don't even have them sometimes.  What a great fiscally responsible and esthetic initiative that was.  Really it IS more important to have beautiful artwork in the bathroom than having a tampon machine.  I totally agree with that trend -- no, I really do! -- because women menstruating is soooooo last century.  

Recently I visited Fletcher Allen Health Care's Breast Care Center for my routine mammogram.  MEMO TO FAHC:  Your public bathrooms don't have tampon machines!  WHY?!  Do we need to have a bake sale to raise money for the tampon dispensers?  Or what?

I'm in trouble. I've unexpectedly started my period, I'm wearing a lightweight khaki-colored skirt, I have classes later in the day.  But no problem, right?  I'm in a top-rated women's health care facility.  Surely they have tampons stuck behind their ears and falling out of file cabinets and in baskets like floral arrangements in the bathrooms.  

Right?

Wrong.  Not one sign of feminine hygiene products anywhere in the Breast Care Center's bathroom.  We do breasts here, people -- NOT vaginas!

So I go back to the front desk. I'm doing the longest kegel of my life -- it should be in the Guinness Book of World Records, this kegel -- and I'm walking like I have the proverbial corncob up my...you know... while I say, "I've got a little problem.  I need a tampon, like, TEN MINUTES AGO."  I figure they'll swiftly hand me a tampon and I'll be on my way back to the sanctuary to take care of my leetle feminine emergency. The whole ordeal will be over quick as a wink, and no one will be the wiser.  I know, RIGHT?

WRONG.

These women look at me like this problem has never, ever surfaced in their office before.  They panic.  They fidget.  They back up their desk chairs and look like they're going to do something, but they don't quite know what it is they should do.  They tell me there is the public hospital bathroom down the hall, just around the corner.  Well, that is the same bathroom I use when I'm working in the med school, and I'm pretty sure it doesn't have a tampon-dispensing machine in it, but I rush over there anyway to check.  Nope.  I stuff toilet paper in my underwear, but this is a bit of a problem, because I'm wearing a thong.  It doesn't hold much of anything, and what it does hold, it doesn't hold securely.  I can just envision myself in an episode of I Love Lucy, a line of t.p. leaving a trail behind me as I walk.  So I have to hold it in place with my thighs.  

Back to the desk I go, with a wrinkle in my brow and still walking funny.  

I ask all the women there if they perhaps have a tampon in their purses personally, that they could share with a woman in need. I'll PAY, people!

Most of them looked like deer caught in headlights, but the ones who did speak up, all said, "No, I don't have a TAMPON," delivered with that sort of "ew" voice like I might have just asked them to infect me with chlamydia.  "I think I might have a pad."  How is it that in 2009 I have walked into a women's health care facility in the U.S. of A., where all the women use PADS?  PADS?  Are you KIDDING ME?  An "ew" response to tampons?  I really had no idea there was this rampant tampon phobia alive and well around me, which just goes to show that if I thought I had my finger right on the pulse of modern femininity, I was apparently woefully wrong.

Anyhoo. 

Seriously, this was exactly the situation.  I'm not even exaggerating one tiny bit.  A woman (a young girl, really, by my standards) went to get me a pad.  And I had to tell her, "Um, I don't really have the right underwear on for a pad."  

FINALLY, after that, someone came up with a tampon for me.  

So there's lesson number one and a public service announcement all in one.  This is important:  Pack a tampon in your purse, but if you throw away your tampons, be sure to put a pair of granny panties in, too, JUST IN CASE YOU ENTER A WOMEN'S HEALTH CARE FACILITY STAFFED WITH ALL WOMEN, NONE OF WHOM USE TAMPONS.   

Apparently I'm more of a hussy than I even realized.  Read story number two, and any remaining doubt will be erased. 

2.  I recently had an appointment with a dermatologist for a full-body skin scan.  Just routine, ya know, because a) I'm of a certain age which I have to keep admitting, and b) my siblings have had suspicious things removed, even though they are all younger than I am, so I figure it's time to have it done.  Just as I'm leaving the house, I ask my husband to throw me a pair of knickers from the laundry pile that has just emerged from the dryer -- "I guess I should wear underwear today," I say jokingly, "though it won't matter in that office, because I'll be buck naked when they do the exam [Well, wouldn't YOU expect a full-body skin scan to be, well, you know -- FULL BODY?!] and nobody will know whether I have underwear on or not."  I slipped the panties on just before I walked out the door.  

I get to the office, and the nurse interviews me, asks me why I'm there, etc.  I tell her just to have my skin and moles looked at by a professional, that my sibs have had some issues, so I just want to be sure everything is OK.  

She tells me to get undressed, put on the gown with the opening in the front or the back -- my choice -- and she starts to leave the room.  As she's at the door, she says, "Oh, and you can KEEP YOUR UNDERWEAR ON." 

  

Semper ubi sub ubi.

Chuckles and Fun

This, found in the sidebar of Erika's blog, made me laugh.  Also, made me feel soooo much better about my garden.

CHICKEN STATS

Cost: $827.92 Eggs: 49 Cost Per Egg: $16.89 Age: 24 weeks -------------------------------------------

------------------------------------------------------
David asked the reasonable question last night, "Are these pears the size they're supposed to be?"

Also known as:  I harvested the Seckels.  Weenie little things, but so tasty.  

-------------------------------------

At my last optometrist's appointment, the tech (or whatever the correct term is for the person who basically does all the work before the optometrist enters the room) asked me if I had any problems or complaints with my glasses.  Yes, I said, when I try to read in bed, I can't find the right place in the progressive lens (aka trifocals).  

"And you won't," she said.  "But you know what you could do... you could get some just plain reading glasses."  She proceeded to tell me that they had a special running for $35, to get a plain pair of readers.  OK, cool, I say.  Let's talk.  

So she brings me out to the person to talk about glasses, and long story short, of course my prescription is not included in the reading glasses special.  And.  Are you sitting down?  

Sitting?

.

Seatbelt fastened?

.

.

.

Headgear on?

.

.

.

Mine would cost $200 if I chose the cheapest frames they had to offer.  

------------

GASP.

"OK, well," I said.  "I'm not willing to spend $200 for a pair of reading glasses.  I'll read sitting up."  (I forgot to mention the trying to watch TV lying down, but that is an event that happens about .... oh..... let me see.  About three times a year, maybe.  So it's not a big issue.)

But in the conversation, she mentioned that, "Yeah, because no way are you going to find +5 power reading glasses in a drugstore or anything," so the idea was, "you're screwed."  

Well, I let that marinate and bounce around in the recesses of my mind for a couple of weeks, and then I thought, "Hm.  I wonder if I can find +5 power reading glasses on the internet."  

Doh. 

Of COURSE I could.  Many of them were pretty boring-looking, but they were inexpensive.  I hemmed and hawed, because I was worried they'd be crappy or the website wasn't legit or something, but I finally ordered a couple of pairs from here.  They came, quick as a flash, and OMG, they work!  And work GREAT!  For reading, that is.  I can't see more than two feet in front of my face when I have them on, but they sure are wonderful for reading when I have my contacts out and I want to lie down to read.

One pair is rather plain and no-frills, but actually quite attractive on the face, and at a cost of $9.99, I'm jumping up and down with joy and keeping this pair on my bedside table.

(These came without a case, but I've got plenty of old cases lying around here.)

The other is just plain unexpectedly ADORABLE:

I knew from the description and photo on the website that they were lime green and orange.  I mean, SOLD, right?!  

But I did not notice the rhinestones on the sides until they got here:

BONUS.  And they have a nifty hard case.

Total cost for two pairs?  $34.  Free shipping.  

Geoffrey Chaucer yfryed mi brægen*

*fried my brain

------------------------------

But let's see what I can give you.  Today is Day 2 of the Red Scarf Project. As of yesterday, you could start mailing your completed scarves, together with cards of encouragement and gift cards for things college students might need or like -- school supplies, fast food, coffee chains (and I think you know what I mean by that), and the like -- if you are able to be so generous.  The deadline is December 15th, so don't worry if you haven't started your scarf yet -- there is plenty of time.  But don't leave it to the last minute -- you know you'll be crazy doing holiday knitting at that time, right?

The mailing address is:

Orphan Foundation of America 
The Red Scarf Project 
21351 Gentry Drive 
Sterling, VA 20166

-------------------------

Gale Zucker has updated her wonderful poster with this year's deadlines.  You can download it from this link, (zipped files) within which is a pdf for a poster you can print off and place in your favorite knitter's hangout or local yarn store.  

----------------

P.S.  We were talking about cards the other day, and just after, I found these:  

They're from Quotable Cards.  I love 'em!

Attention-Grabbing Headlines

It said:

Artificial Tongue Is Sweeter Than Real Thing

UM.  I DOUBT IT.  

But here is the article.  Which of course was not at all what I hoped thought it was going to be. 

As Cookie is wont to say, I'll be in the naughty corner if you need me. 

In the meantime, you can have a look at my ta-tas.  

Wait, you thought I meant.....?

Oh, then here you go:

Chocolate Math

This came to my daughter in one of those viral emails.  MAJOR FLAW:  YOU'RE LIMITED TO TEN TIMES A WEEK FOR HOW OFTEN YOU WANT TO EAT CHOCOLATE.  Are they nuts?????  That'd be four times a DAY for me.  [Well, bummer.  The images didn't come through, even though they showed in my preview last night.  Ah well.  Happy birthday to me.]

Anyhoo:

YOUR AGE BY CHOCOLATE MATH 


Don't tell me your age; you'd probably lie anyway-but the Hershey Man will know! 

 

YOUR AGE BY CHOCOLATE MATH 
 
This is pretty neat.

DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST! 
It takes less than a minute . 
Work this out as you read . 

1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have chocolate (more than once but less than 10)  

 
2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold) 
 
3. Add 5 
 
4. Multiply it by 50 -- I'll wait while you get the calculator 

 
5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1759 .. 
If you haven't, add 1758.. 
 
6... Now subtract the four digit year that you were born. 
 

You should have a three digit number   

The first digit of this was your original number 
(i.e., how many times you want to have chocolate each week).




The next two numbers are 
 

YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!) 

 



 

 

From the Sublime to the Ridiculous

You guys really got into the spirit yesterday, hm?  And people were sending me links like crazy.  It was nothing but sex [bomb], sex [bomb], sex [bomb] all night last night.  First, with Tom of course:

Then Mr. Bean

And my personal favorite, Max Raabe:

 

Another Great Thing I Stumbled Upon

This one had me laughing 'til I cried one morning this week:

Computer Enhancers.

------------------

Stumbling Around

Lately I've had a hard time mustering up the emotional energy to write much in the blog. (I know! This is supposed to be my therapy, right? Sigh.)

In an effort to stimulate some creative juices, I've been arse over knickers using Stumble Upon, which -- no doubt about it -- can lead to some interesting and fun things.

Do you like art?  This is so cool.  (Don't get lost over there and forget to come back!)

The following recipe, found here, seems cloyingly, frighteningly pleasureful.  I'd substitute stabilized whipped cream for the Cool Whip, personally.  And I'm not too fond of German chocolate cake mix.  First, hello, it's a mix, and I'm kind of a snob about that.  And second and more importantly, it's not chocolaty enough for my taste.

I'm also wondering a bit about the syntax of that title.  Is it almost better than sex-cake?  or almost better-than-sex-cake?  or it's almost a cake that is better than sex?  or is it a cake that's almost better than sex?  or ..... and what the hell is sex cake?  Perhaps I'm over-analyzing things just a wee bit.  

Almost Better Than Sex Cake

16 servings

1 german chocolate cake mix
1 cup semisweet chocolate chips
1 14 oz. can sweetened condensed milk
caramel topping
12 ounces Cool Whip
3 heath bars, crushed

Heat oven to 350 F. Grease and flour 9 x 13 inch pan. Prepare cake mix as directed on package; pour into prepared pan. After 10 minutes of baking, sprinkle with chocolate chips. Continue baking until cake is done. While cake is still hot, poke holes in it with handle of wooden spoon. Pour sweetened condensed milk over cake; let cool. Top with caramel sauce, then whipped topping. Sprinkle with candy bars.

---------

Black Magic Cake, my and my family's favorite recipe for 40 years (!), taken from the back of a Hershey's cocoa can, IS better than sex.  No almosts about it.  That is some serious moist, dark, chocolate cake we're talkin' about.

I still have the original Hershey's can with the recipe I used as a kid.  It's probably still printed on those cans, but I wasn't taking any chances that they were going to discontinue it.  And of course now it's available on the internet. 

Don't like sex chocolate cake?  How about a nice heartwarming letter?

This one, for the chemists, made me laugh out loud:

Table of Condiments
That Periodically Go Bad

1 My Mayonnaise 3 months

2 S Salt N/A

3 H Hollandaise 1 day

4 B Butter 1.5 months

5 Mw Miracle Whip 3 months

6 Hu Hummus 1 week

7 Od Onion Dip 2 weeks

8 Tt Tartar Sauce 3 months

9 V Vinegar 3-5 years

10 M Mustard 6-8 months

11 K Ketsup 5 months

12 P Pepper 4 years

13 Be Bernaise 2 days

14 Ga Garlic Sauce 1 day

15 Cc Cream Cheese 2 weeks

16 Ti Tahini Sauce 1 month

17 Bl Bleu Cheese 2 months

18 R Ranch 2 months

19 Pb Peanut Butter 4 months

20 Lx Lox 2 weeks

21 Pi Pickles 6 months

22 Po Pearl Onion 8 months

23 Cr Croutons 2 months

24 Cs Cocktail Sauce 6-8 months

25 Fi Fish Sauce 5 months

26 Ym Yellow Mustard 6-8 months

27 Ci Chili Sauce 6-8 months

28 Sg Sugar 2 years

29 Gc Guacamole 2 days

30 Ws White Sauce 2 days

31 Sc Sour Cream 3 weeks

32 Th Special Sauce 2 months

32A Th 1,000 Island 2 months

33 Ma Marmalade 2 months

34 V Vegemite 2 months

35 Sy Syrup 8 months

36 Re Relish 6 months

37 Go Green Olive 9 months

38 Ln Lemon 2 months

39 Gs Green Salsa 2 months

40 Sw Sweet n Sour 4-5 months

41 Gm Germ. Mustard 6-8 months

42 Ss Steak Sauce 1 year

43 Nu Aspartame N/A

44 G Gravy 3 days

45 Ch Cheese Sauce 1 week

46 Wc Whipped Cream 2 weeks

47 Vg Vinaigrette 2 months

48 F French 2 months

49 J Jelly 4-5 months

50 Nt Nutella 4 months

51 Fu Fudge Sauce 6-8 months

52 Hr Horseradish 6-8 months

53 Jñ Jalapeño 6 months

54 Oo Olive Oil 6 months

55 Rs Red Sauce 2 months

56 Sf Stir-Fry Sauce 8 months

57 Dj Dijonnaise 6-8 months

58 Ts Taco Sauce 2 years

59 Xx Saccharin N/A

60 Au Au Jus 3 days

61 Cz Cheese Wiz N/A

62 Mg Margarine 6 months

63 Ch Chutney 5 months

64 Hm Honey Mustard 2 months

65 H Honey 8 months

66 Pe Peanut Sauce 8 months

67 Cp Choc. Syrup 6-8 months

68 Bo Baco Bits N/A

69 Pm Pimento 9 months

70 Ds Duck Sauce 4-5 months

71 Wu Worcestershire 1 year

72 So Soy Sauce 1 year

73 Bq BBQ Sauce 6-8 months

74 Ta Tabasco 2-5 years

75 X Maraschino N/A

---

This invaluable scientific tool brought to you by F.N.O.R.D., with special thanks to that design genius, Ben Day.

Tired of sex, chocolate, and laughing about chemistry gone wrong?

You could go here and create your own snowflake. 

(Click image to be taken to the website where I found this image via the wonders of Stumble Upon.)

Write A Story Line or Vote on Mine

Just when I think my life has taken a boring turn, all I need to do (apparently) is moan that I don't have anything to blog about, and bam!  something hits me right in the face.

I walked into Barnes & Noble yesterday because I had a long break between classes.  I have a special place I like to hang out there -- it's in front of a large bank of windows with loads of sunlight, a fun view of the parking lot for people-watching, and I can pick up a wireless internet signal from an Apple store not far from there.  Several other people know this spot, too, but I can usually find a nice chair there. 

I arrived yesterday to find a distinguished-looking gray-haired and conservatively well-dressed man sitting in a chair close to the one I normally sit in.  I settle down with my computer and look over to get a big (operative word BIG) eyeful.  He's looking at two large coffee table books of male erotica. 

When the man realized I was looking at what he was looking at, he rather hastily closed up the books and left.  I saw him get in his car a few minutes later and drive away without any books having been purchased. He was driving a white Subaru station-wagony thing.  I couldn't tell if it was a Vermont license plate, but it was the same kind of family car my next-door neighbors drive.

Vote, or tell me your ideas if you think I haven't hit on the right one. 

Was this guy:

• Gay All the Way! (Openly)
• Gay and in Denial (or in the closet)
• Married, With Children (and still gay and in the closet)
• An Artist -- Just looking for Inspiration for his own drawing or photography or paintings
• He just loves the human image
• He's a doctor, wanting a male anatomy lesson
• Straight! He was just comparing himself to others!
• Other (please expound in the comments)

View Results
Create a Blog Poll