She loves hearing this story over and over again, so this is her birthday present from me -- writing it down for posterity and for all the internet to Google and read when she becomes rich and famous. This is a lonnnnng post, so go ahead and take a bathroom break if you need to. It'll take you longer to read this post (and it took me longer to write it) than I was in labor. Well, that's not entirely accurate. I was in labor all day long, apparently, but being the stoic country girl I was, and having suffered all my life with crippling period cramps, I was waiting for it "to hurt."
She was born at 7:57 p.m. (we got the tax deduction!), weighed 7 lb. 12 oz., and was 22 inches long. She was almost born in the car, but we drove 97 miles an hour and somehow made it inside the hospital. Through sheer determination and strong sphincter muscles (prenatal yoga is a wonderful thing), I managed to keep her in for exactly 20 minutes after that, so we could finish answering their stupid insurance questions and get to a room. The doctor on call was not my doctor, but from my doctor's practice. I had spoken to her on the phone earlier. She asked, "This is your first baby?" "Yes." "And you think you're in labor?"
Um, yeah, lady, I know I'm IN LABOR, YOU CONDESCENDING BITCH. Oops. Pardon me, was that rude? I mean, meekly, "Yes, I think so."
She suggested that since it was my first baby, I probably didn't know what real labor was, and if I did, I'd probably be in labor three days, and since it was New Year's Eve and she didn't really want to work (my inference), I should stay home and have a glass of champagne or something. NOT. When the lovely nurse told her I was there, she responded, "I TOLD her not to come!" (Yes, I made a complaint later. I also objected to her name being on the birth certificate, but it was hospital protocol because she was the attending. I said, "But she did NOTHING!") Whatever. All's well that ends well, I guess.
A sweet young male family practice resident (whose name I never got) happened to be walking through the hall. The nurse ran out the door, grabbed him, and pulled him into the room. He caught Abigail before she hit the floor. Thank goodness for that. I later dropped her down the stairs, which probably explains a lot, but we won't talk about that -- at least not right now. It was his first birth. I think we made his day. Probably set him up for a rather unrealistic expectation of what a birth is usually like, though. It was -12 F that night, so I'm glad we got inside where it was warm. Abigail's Apgar score was only a 9, because she was...you ready for this? A bit cold. Of course she was! We were driving down the interstate with the windows open in -12F weather, and I was undressing, because I was HOT. So I guess I chilled her a bit. She was going to be a little Abigailcicle if we'd had to deliver her on the side of the road, I'll tell ya.
Last Friday, Abigail was doing a Google search for something and randomly ended up on my blog, with the entry that follows. She still gets surprised and delighted when she randomly finds my blog, and gets all like, "My mom. She's SOMEBODY! She coulda been a contender!"
She loved this entry, gushed a lot, and said I should start writing plays. When I originally wrote this in August of 2005, I intended for it to be the start of a series. I guess you know how that turned out. It was more like the start and the END of a series. It's HARD to write these! But maybe in 2008, with all the 365ing, I can bring the series back to life. It's kind of a funny truth that the lawyers in the bunch will confirm: In real life, it often does take this long to reassemble everyone for the continuation of a deposition. People on the "outside" totally don't get what takes so long. (Second Deposition Syndrome. Heh.)
So now, for Abigail's birthday, I'll be like MTV and VHS and all the rest of the networks with their New Year's Eve retrospectives and reprint this today for you. Some of you have read it, but probably the vast majority have not. Hopefully it'll give you a chuckle or two.
An aside for my growing (yay!) non-knitting readership: There is a phenomenon that knitters refer to as Second Sock Syndrome (or mitten syndrome, or sleeve syndrome, or you get the point). You complete one item of a pair, and for some reason, getting going on the second is problematic, to say the least. The lawsuit below is brought by The Second Sock of my first-ever knitted pair of socks, presumably for a legal remedy known as specific performance, or in other words, to get my ass going to complete the pair. You know, in my weird fantasy world. Koigu is a brand of sock yarn. DPNs are double-pointed needles. A heel flap is a part of the construction of a sock.
Now, you recently entered the
Blogger Protection Program; am I right?
A. Yes, I did.
Q. And before you went into hiding with the Blogger Protection Program, you were working on behalf of my client, Thesecond Sock?
A. Yes, I was.
Q. My understanding is that you had completed the heel flap before you left; is that right?
A. Mm-hm.
Q. Please say yes or no for the court reporter.
A. Oh, yes. Sorry.
Q. That's okay; everyone does it. Now, please define heel flap for me.
A. It's when you get really, really crazy and want to throw your
knitting to the floor because you've made a really dumb mistake and you
start flapping your arms around madly and stomp on the sock with your
heel. That's where the heel flap comes in.
Q. Are you sure of that definition?
A. Why wouldn't I be?
Q. Well, let me take this opportunity to say that one of the
privileges I get by being the lawyer for Mr. Sock in this deposition is
I get to ask the questions. I should have gone over the guidelines for
a deposition at the beginning. This is my chance to ask questions and
to have you answer them. If at any time you don't understand my
questions, would you please tell me you don't understand the question?
A. I don't understand the question.
Q. No, I mean if I ask a question that you don't understand, please tell me.
A. Oh. Okay.
Q. Otherwise I will assume you understood the question if you answer
it. And if you would please wait for me to finish my question, I'll try
to wait 'til you finish your answer before I ask my next question. That
will make things easier for the court reporter.
A. Fine.
Q. And we've already gone over this --
A. Mm-hm.
Q. -- but no head shakes and no mm-hms and uh-uhs, for the court reporter's sake; agreed?
A. Mm-hm. I mean, yes. Sorry.
Q. All right. And please don't forget to let me finish the question before you --
A. Okay.
Q. -- answer. You just --
A. Okay.
Q. Please don't -- Never mind. Now, let's see if we can peg down
your definition of heel flap. First, can you tell me how long you've
been knitting?
A. Oh, I don't know. About a year and a half, I guess.
Q. And where did you learn to knit?
A. Well, I kind of taught myself. My mother originally taught me a
few basics way back when I was in junior high, but the rest I learned
recently from books and the Internet.
Q. The Internet? What do you mean by that? What is this; in chat rooms or something?
MS. DePIENNS: Object to the form of the question. You can answer if you understand it.
A. No, no. There's this whole blogging thing. People have blogs,
they write about knitting, and you can really learn a lot from them.
Q. And these are the people you're hiding from?
A. Well, yes, but most of them are really not that bad.
Q. Have you met any of these people in person, or is this all rather imaginary, so to speak?
A. Well, many of us have met in person. We get together from time to
time at sheep festivals, stitch-and-bitches, spinning parties and
things like that.
Q. Now, these spinning parties you talk about, is this somewhat like a rave?
A. Yeah, I guess you could say that.
Q. Do people take drugs at these things?
A. Well, I've heard people talk about spinning crack and things like
that, but I've never tried it. Well, I've tried it, but I've never
inhaled.
Q. Mm-hm. And what was the first thing you said? Cheap festivals?
A. No, no. I said sheep festivals. They're definitely not cheap.
Q. Sheep festivals?
A. Yes.
Q. What exactly is a sheep festival?
A. It's just like it sounds.
Q. A festival for sheep?
A. Well, no. Yes. Sort of. You go and you buy yarn and eat lamb
burgers and see people and buy more yarn and look at the sheep in the
barns, take classes. That sort of thing.
Q. And do a lot of people go to these sheep festivals?
A. Oh, yes. They flock to them.
Q. And what is the purpose for going?
A. I just told you. Buy wool, see the sheep, eat lamb, meet up with people.
Q. I see. Do people pay to get into these things?
A. Yes.
Q. They pay to get in to buy yarn?
A. Yes. Well, it's not all yarn. There are the deep-fried twinkies
and there are some classes and competitions and stuff. And they have
port-o-lets and everything.
Q. And excuse me if I misunderstood, but did you say something about bitches?
A. Stitch and bitches.
Q. What is that?
THE COURT REPORTER: Could you spell that, please?
THE DEPONENT: s-t-i-t-c-h-n-b-i-t-c-h.
BY MR. GREENSTRIPE:
Q. What is a stitch and bitch?
(A discussion took place off the record.)
Q. All right, back to the matter we're here to discuss. Thesecond Sock. You first met Mr. Sock when?
A. When I was on a trip in New Hampshire.
Q. When was this?
A. In the early summer, late spring.
Q. How did you meet?
A. A woman introduced us at a yarn shop.
Q. How do you know this woman?
A. From the blogs.
Q. Is this one of the people you're hiding from?
A. No. She's been on vacation and doesn't even know I'm in hiding.
Q. When did you meet her?
A. The same day.
Q. The same day you met my client?
A. Yes.
Q. How did that come about?
A. Well, I was driving with some friends, and we met up at this yarn shop in New Hampshire.
Q. And she introduced you to my client?
A. Sort of. She gave me some yarn.
Q. She gave you some yarn, but you had never met before?
A. Yes.
Q. How did that come about?
A. Well, she wrote me an email that said that if I had some socks on needles on the day we met --
Q. Let me interrupt you there. Socks on needles? Did you say socks on needles?
A. Yes, meaning yarn being made into socks, on knitting needles.
Q. Oh, I get it. Please continue.
A. So if I had some socks on needles and I showed her, that she would give me some sock yarn in colors I like.
Q. And so you had socks on needles to show her that day?
A. No.
Q. You didn't?
A. No.
Q. So she didn't give you the sock yarn?
A. Yes, she did.
Q. Well, you said she said if you had socks on needles when you met
her, and you showed it to her, that she would give you sock yarn.
A. Yes.
Q. Was this intended to be a gift, or --
A. Yes. A gift. But only if I had socks on needles.
Q. But didn't you just -- (to the reporter) Could you read back that answer?
(The requested answer was read back by the court reporter.)
Q. So you said --
A. No. She said if I would show her that I was knitting socks --
Q. Excuse me for interrupting, but why did she want to see that you were knitting socks?
A. Oh, I don't know. There's this whole thing that knitters think
other knitters should knit socks, and she was trying to entice me into
knitting socks by offering me a bribe, basically.
Q. A bribe?
A. Well, not a bribe, really. Well, yeah, actually, kind of a bribe. Sort of an inducement, more like.
Q. Is this why you have gone into hiding?
A. No, it has nothing to do with it.
Q. I'm confused.
A. Bloggers do stuff like that.
Q. Stuff like what?
A. Bribe, induce, coerce.
MR. GREENSTRIPE: Well, I can see
that this deposition is going to take a lot longer than I thought it
would, so we are going to have to come back another day to continue
with the questioning. Is that all right with you?
THE DEPONENT: Yeah. Is it all right if I bring my knitting next time?
MR. GREENSTRIPE: Yes, I guess that
would be fine. And let me just say that if you would listen closely to
the question and try to focus, that would help speed things along.
THE DEPONENT: Hm?
(The deposition was recessed.)
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