Now Norma Knits

"My goal for the year is to learn how to pee, standing up, in the stirrups, at a high rate of speed." -- Anne

Most of us have such banal and ordinary goals, like "I want to lose 10 pounds,"  "I want to stop drinking Diet Pepsi," "I want to be a millionaire before I'm 30."  But not my friend Anne.  I can't stop laughing at her comment, which was finished with, "I'm not sure Bhen is going to like the practice runs, though..." 

This, my friends, is Bhen:

I love the way things turn out. (Honestly, how strange is life?)  I used my most-oft-used "Random Number Generator," aka Sandy.  I normally email her at work and say something along the lines of "Pick three numbers between 1 and 51."   She'll shoot an email right back with her random choices.  This time I nearly split a gut when her email came back and I checked the numbers.  I couldn't be more pleased that one of the numbers landed on Anne:  She is the originator of the idea, she entered the contest, saying "a girl can never have too many P-Mates," and she left that belly-laugh-worthy comment.  Plus, I can just hear her voice and delivery of that comment.  Thank you, Anne, and congratulations.  May you meet your goal with grace and aplomb.

The other two winners of the P-Mates are Sally and Patty.  Congratulations, ladies!  You can now pee standing up!  Write your name in the snow or the sand!  Scare the neighbors!  Or, in Anne's case, try not to pee on the horse.

I Destash In Your General Direction (Monty Python Fans Should Like This Title*)

Thank you all for playing in my caption contest.  My, my, I have clever readers. I loved all your entries, and they kept me entertained for all of Sunday.  But someone had to win, right? I will send the winners something very nice from my destashing efforts, and maybe a little extra sweetness. 

First Prize goes to Miriam for this gem:

And Another First Prize (there can be no seconds here, haha) to Gayle for this one:

 

That pithy "Me, too" answer cracks me up every time I read it.  Perfectly gnome-like, methinks. 

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*However, destashing is much pleasanter than farting.

P.S.  Recently the brains at Typepad gave more helpful hints to increase readership.  One of the things they said is that we shouldn't use clever titles.  We shouldn't use titles or words that might bring people to our blogs via a search engine and find something they weren't really looking for.  People are busy, it said.  They will get pissed if you're advertising something that you're NOT, or wasting everyone's time.  You should be boring and say just what you mean. 

What fun would that be?  Can you imagine, for example, if someone Googles "farting" and lands here?  OMG, I've wasted someone's important "farting" search time.  OR what if someone is doing a serious search about gnomes.  They land here.  I'M SO SORRY.  I've wasted your time.  Or "Monty Python" or "barfing in sap bucket."  Who knew from that title or those misleading words that this would be a knitting blog?  And I've wasted someone's time and that reader will not come back. Darn. 

For fucksake.  They really don't get us, do they? Talk about sucking the joy right out of the endeavor.  Sheesh.

I'm hopeful that someday I'll serve an important function for the person who will undoubtedly Google "farting knitter."

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P.P.S.  Thank you to Laurie, my own personal anesthesiologist (well, OK, hopefully NEVER, but she's there if I ever need her) for scaring me straight.  Not that I really needed a study from the NIH to tell me what I already knew intuitively, but seriously, if I needed a punctuation mark on the "I'm done with Diet (or any other) Pepsi and Coke" comma period exclamation mark -- no question mark -- I'm DONE.  I mean it.  Don't try to offer me one.  Just don't.  I'll cut you down. 

The funniest part is that it was MY ranting and railing against the stuff that got HER to quit using it a couple years ago.  What can I say?  She's smarter and stronger than I.  But my kidneys and bones and heart and head are telling me, "Please, Norma.  Stop the insanity."

I did learn a thing or two sitting in medical school last fall:  Kidney tissue does not repair or regenerate.  The kidneys can only withstand a certain number of insults and then it's dialysis for you, bub.  So listen up:  If you don't join me, the kidney terrorists will win.  Or something like that.   Let's stop together.  K?

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Now I guess I will also be thwarting the Googlers searching for: farting Diet Pepsi.  Or farting terrorists.

Does Anyone Else Hate Photo Sessions As Much As I Do? Out-Takes and A Contest

1. What the? I promise you, I was not barfing in the sap bucket.  However, I do NOT remember doing this and have absolutely NO idea what I WAS doing. Sigh.

2.  So apparently here I am having a conversation with Hank.  Let's have some contest fun.  Fill in the speech bubbles, or make a caption:

 

Oh, Geez.

I did not mean for the final line of my last post to be left there dangling like that.  That's what I get for pre-writing posts.  That post was meant to be posted the day before, but then the whole Claudia hilarity ensued, so I redated it, but when I proofread it I missed that line.  Does that clear things up or make them muddier?  Probably a whole lot of needless information, but you must be tolerant -- I'm a fish out of water with the work having come practically to a screeching halt, and to add insult to injury, I'm kicking the can -- AGAIN.  For those just catching up, I mean the Diet Coke or Diet Pepsi (I love them both equally, with Diet Pepsi having a slight edge in the race) can.  I have fought an ongoing battle against my addictions to them for several years now.  So here we go with Attempt No. 1,388.  I really mean it this time -- No, I really DO.  (pfffft)

To that detoxifying end, I'm drinking copious amounts of water, green and black tea, herbal tea, yerba maté, and even some fruit juices.  I'm surprised I can even sit at the computer long enough to type, what with all that liquid going in. (What goes in must come out.)

So that's one reason why I did not finish my long Verizon story.  Another is I realize readers only have SO MUCH of an attention span.  Not to mention writers.  Sheesh.  I even pondered whether I was going to hit "publish" or just plain "delete".  But I decided the story must be told!  (I'm taking the piss out of myself here -- no pun intended.)  Honestly, I had nothing else to say, as I have heretofore mentioned, since I've got no crocuses to show.  I do have progress on my cardigan, but man is THAT boring to show.  You've seen one yoked knit-top-down cardigan in-progress photo, you've seen them all.  When it was just-slightly-less-than bolero length, I did put it on over my bare breasts to take a photo -- you know the kind I mean. You don't?  Well, think about it. But that's been done to death, and by women with perkier breasts and better home photo studio setups than mine.  I think I'd best stick with whatever it is that I do best.  (What is that, again?)

So. Where was I before the brain fuzz of detox set in?  Oh, yes!  The WINNER of the 2nd Chance Blogiversary Contest is:  Kate F. from Kentucky!  She said it made her Monday a little less pissificated.  (Wait, that's a word?  Spell check did not even flinch.  I suppose I should look it up, but I'm just going to leave it there.  It suits me, even if I'm not using it in the right context.)  I've got a sweet little package of goodies to send her.

What else?  Oh, yes, back to the BlackBerry story. 

After we became fast friends because I dropped the f-bomb on him, my BlackBerry guy (you don't mind if I call him my BlackBerry guy, do you?) asked someone with authority, I guess, if we could exchange that piece of crap (my words, not his) for something that might work.  He got the authority, and he said they'd transfer all the stuff for me if I'd come back in about a half hour.  This was good, since I had not had lunch yet, so I went out and came back.  I have a new unit which seems to work.  And also, since we were now budz, and I confided in him that, just like most things technical, I believe I am vastly underusing the BlackBerry -- mainly because I am paranoid that if I ask for something or download an app or something, that I'm going to get a new charge on my bill.  He set my mind at ease about that, saying that if that were going to happen, I'd be asked for a credit card number -- so download away! 

He asked if there was anything I'd like in particular.  Well, apart from, you know, a sugar daddy, for which I don't think there is a BlackBerry app (though I'd probably be surprised...) one thing I really wanted on my BlackBerry is Weatherbug or something similar.  Well, didn't he just go right ahead in front of my eyes and download a weather app for me (not Weatherbug, but about the same) and fix the settings for Burlington, etc. 

I had some questions about how some other things worked.  BlackBerry is INCREDIBLY nonintuitive and illogical, to my way of thinking.  Everything you want to do is hidden in a complicated menu that, once you know how to do it it's easy, but figuring it out will make you go bald everywhere but those private places that you have to wax.  Every time I want to know how to do something, I have to Google it or ask a friend who's had a BB longer than I.  He cleared up some things, but more importantly just with those words up above, "to set your mind at ease" about the billing thing, he gave me confidence to fool around with it once I got home and I got some settings changed and some things figured out. 

And I also Googled how to make the browser work.  That is another area on the BB that is CRAP.  The "browser" icon just kept taking me to how to add more email accounts, but did NOTHING else.  Hello, "browser" should mean I can BROWSE the INTERNET.  If I could ever get it to do anything else, it would be so slow and so cumbersome it was never worth it.  Ugh.  But in my research, I found the best little wonderful -- fast and sweet and clear and easy to run (and of course, developed in Norway, not the U.S.) browser for BlackBerry.  It's called Opera Mini.  I love it because it's got a sweet O icon, and I looooooovvvvvve O's.  But more than that, it works slick as a whistle, it's fitted properly for my little BB screen (rather than the old one that required scrolling and scrolling to get to the other side of the page if need be) and it's FREE.  If you've got a BlackBerry and your browser, like my old one, is C-R-A-P, go and download Opera.  You'll thank me. 

And so.... I'm sure the saga will continue.  But for now, at least, the BlackBerry is working -- it even kept on long enough to have a phone call at my home with Ann yesterday without dropping the call! -- and I've got a browser that works and it's sending me email. But today we are having another snowstorm, the tower will probably get iced up or something, and then all bets are off.

The only thing that my BlackBerry guy did that pissed me off (after the initial "I bet you didn't try this" trick) was to recommend that I buy the $250 gizmo to give me a signal in my home.  He pointed to it and suggested I get this wonderful thing.  I told him that yeah, a woman on the phone suggested I get one, and it's $250, right?  He says, "Yes, but it's only a one-time cost, and it's a lot cheaper than putting up a tower, and you'll have great service."  I put the kibosh to that with this statement: 

"Mmm-hm.  I'd like it if Verizon GAVE me one of those." 

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P.S.  Dave sent me a link yesterday that gave me no end of glee:  Vermont has the most heathens in the country! 

And the Winner Is.....

Oh, this is just so damn hilarious.  And I'd love to tell you why, but I can only tease you with this comment from my wonderful Claudia:

I can ask Norma anything.

(srsly. happy blog day)

Posted by: claudia | Friday, March 06, 2009 at 11:24 AM

Because she is RIGHT.  She can ask me anything, and I will answer.  (It's not because she's a lawyer, either -- at least I don't think so. Heh.)

And when I landed on her name after asking My Random Number Generator for a number from 1 to 184 (the number of entrants who were on time and etc., though my rules are pretty, shall we say, flexible), I literally laughed out loud. 

Am I a pain in the ass? Sorry to be giggling over here in the corner about a private joke.  That is truly in bad form -- I do apologize.  Will you forgive me?  How about if I choose a second winner, as well?  Will that do it?  Comment today before midnight Eastern (Daylight Friggin' Savings Time) for a second-chance drawing. 

Oh, we do have fun.  I love you guys!  You rocked my world with your wonderful and creative and loving comments.  *mwah*

Can You Spare A Square?

First off, thank you for all the blogiversary wishes.  And of course there is a winner of the prize.  I'll announce who it is tomorrow.  If you get in your comments to that post up until noon Eastern Time today, they'll be included in the drawing.  

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Usually I do what I set out to do and complete what I say I will, but I have been known to bite off more than I can chew on occasion.  For example, I signed up for the "knit mittens in January" Ravelry group.  (or was it December?  I can't even remember.)  But when tendinitis reared its ugly head in November, I had all I could do to do my work for the months of December and January.  February brought the timely and much-needed rest period to allow me to heal, and I have since managed to complete the Marta sweater, get back to work, and get well under way on the Garter Yoke Cardi.  But I had a couple of very long work days this week, and I've been pushing myself probably a little too hard on the cardigan, which has brought back some of the pain in my arms/elbows.  I'm now taking it a little more easy, and work has slowed down again, so I will be fine. And I never even cast on for a mitten. 

Way back last summer, I made a commitment to knit a blanket for foster girls going to summer camp next summer. The request was simply for squares, but I volunteered to make an entire blanket.  I completed three large squares, and they have sat and sat. I have decided that I can't finish the blanket and do all the other things I have to and want to do, which includes being a bit selfish and completing the next sweater for myself. 

Anyway, since they're just sitting here, I've decided to mail out these squares.  I might or might not get some more done, but I think it's time they got off that little stool they've been sitting on in the family room, and now that work has slowed down, I actually have time to take care of little details such as mailing things.  

Seeing this photo of the very pretty squares makes me sad that I didn't finish the thing.

If YOU have any squares just lying around, or if you want to work on this project, please check in with Leticia at the Ravelry group Donate a Square. Leticia collects knitted and crocheted squares of all colors, shapes and sizes, and she has a group of volunteers to put them together in tasteful and artistic ways to make nice blankets to donate to various worthy causes.

If you are not a member of Ravelry and want the contact info for Leticia, let me know. 

Today's Entry Is Brought To You By The Number FIVE

Five years!  I cannot believe it.  And in the last year and at least four months, I've written every single day.  Phew.  Sick of me yet?  I'm almost sick of me, but definitely not sick of the blog.  I suppose it's time for another one of those trite, treacly posts -- I can't help myself, and I think I'm entitled.  So here goes:

The blog is one of the best things I've ever done for myself. It has enriched my life in ways I can hardly believe and certainly never would have envisioned six years ago. 

My gains:  Dozens of very close friends -- friends I can count on to lift me up when I'm down, to pull my feet back on the ground when my head gets too far into the clouds, to share with, to gossip with, to complain to.  Trips.  Festivals.  Vacations. A cruise. Red Scarves. New gardeners. Visitors. Learning. And laughing. And kvetching. And crying. And yelling. And wondering. And sharing. And maturing. And encouraging. And, well, there you have it --  a big, sugary heaping helping of trite and treacle. 

For sticking around, I'd like to offer a random winner a token of my friendship.  I have a gorgeous Persephone Scarf kit that I bought at last year's Vermont Sheep & Wool Festival for just this occasion. 

The pattern is written by my dear friend Miriam from Salt Lake City, Utah, and the yarn is by my dear friend Judy from Wherever In New England She Happens To Be At Any Given Moment, but often in Vermont.  I got an extra skein so the scarf could be made nice and long.  I am a fan of the long scarf. 

The scarf kit is filled with meaning -- Persephone in Greek mythology was the Goddess of Spring (and don't we all wish for spring right about now?), the kit is the product of two of my friends, and, well, it's purple.  What more could you ask? 

 

This being the season of Vermont maple syrup, you can bet there will be some syrup in the package, as well as a jar of my rose petal jam.  And since it's from me, you just know there will be a little bit of snark and sarcasm in there, too.    

Just leave a five-word, five-syllable, five-sentence, five-item -- or, hell, something to do with fives -- comment. 

Happy blogiversary to me.

Knitted Jackets Winner and Vitamin D

CC wins the Knitted Jackets book.  Congrats, CC! 

Can we talk? 

I am seriously in need of some sunshine and going somewhere warm.  Being of Northern European descent, I am almost unfamiliar with this feeling.  We Northern European types thrive on gray, cold, dead, dark, dank .... don't we?  Or am I just trying to convince myself of that?  Seriously, I've never, ever been a sun worshipper (a thing for which my aging skin is very, very appreciative, though I'm not sure what it might have done to my bones, all that lack of vitamin D...) and I have always disliked the heat -- though I have come to love the heat in Bikram yoga, as long as it's kept at 105 or lower.  Sometimes the instructor gets a bit carried away and jacks it up to 113 or 118, and frankly that is probably so dangerous it will lead to a lawsuit someday.  But I digress. 

When I was in England, I was so happy that I often wondered why people were always going on about the cold, wet, gray weather.  I was perfectly comfortable, happy, and right at home.  I suppose this explains why I often say I want to live in a cave.  I'm not kidding about that.  [much] 

So why, right now, do I feel I need to go as close to the equator as possible and sit under a sunlamp at the same time, huh? 

Sigh.

Speaking of Vitamin D, are you getting enough?  My Breast Care Center nurse practitioner recently told me I should shoot for 1,000 I.U. a day.  I was stupid and ran right out and got 1,000-I.U. capsules, but then I realized that my calcium-magnesium supplements also have some in them, not to mention my multi-vitamin.  I don't take all these every day, by any means, but even so, I probably ought to back off the 1,000-unit capsules in addition to all the other stuff. But the standard 400 that is in multis is not enough, she tells me. 

Thank You

Well, yesterday's response was enlightening in many ways, and don't you love how grown up we all were?  Thank you for the interesting and positive discussion.

Hey, so while I'm learning to adjust to my new schedule, and taking care of my arms, I'm going to be minimalist again today, so I've got another giveaway.  I have a brand new copy of Knitted Jackets to give away.  If this is something you're interested in, let me know in the comments, and I'll put your name in a hat.

I get to see Cindy today, and I can't WAIT.  She's going to work on my neck next.

Mr. Jefferies got some new shoes.  Does this qualify as abuse, d'ya think?

 (As always, click to make the photo bigger.)

Mwahahahahahaaaaaaaaa.  Can't stop laughing.  Poor li'l muffin.

241. Housekeeping

1.  CindyCindy won the yarn.  Sandy acted as my official "Random Number Generator," and she chose Cindy's number. Congrats, Cindy! And thanks to all who played.   

2.  Someone recently let me know that she is having problems with the links in the Red Scarf Blog.  She says every single link she tries shuts her Internet Explorer down.  I tried it with Firefox, and every link works.  I tried to go to that blog, as well as this one, with Internet Explorer, and IE froze each time and didn't even load the frickin' thing.  I haven't used Internet Explorer for years for that very reason, and frankly I rather thought that nobody uses IE anymore, (very parochial of me, innit?) but it still doesn't make me happy to think that the blog doesn't work with IE, and perhaps other browsers.  Anyone else having any trouble? Not that I'd have a clue what to do about it, but I am interested to hear if the blog is useless or unreadable or is giving you trouble in any way. I can hear it now if we mention it to Typepad:  They'd say, "Use Firefox."  Which, of course, would be my advice, too.  Heh. I mean, really:  It's free, and it's damn good, and it doesn't have all the flaws of IE, which are legion.  I'm just godawful thankful that Typepad has not yet graced me with the dreaded upgrade that fouled so many people up several months ago.  Knock on wood. 

3.  The fact that I am still blogging daily is a testament to how much I love the blog and how much of an outlet it is for me and what a true hobby it is, more than any other hobby.  Because I tell ya, if it weren't for that, with the schedule I'm keeping right now, I simply could not be here -- this next week in particular.  I'm thinking this schedule will either kill me or make me stronger.  If I come out alive, I'll still be blogging every day.  Hell, I might still be blogging if I'm dead -- you just never know.  If I ever stop blogging, please come to the funeral, will you?  At least have a virtual one for me?  You'll probably have to help make the funeral arrangements, because honestly, I think you friends and readers know me better than any member of my own family.

4.  Don't hate me because my tomatoes are beautiful. 

5.  I tried on (again) the red scarf that is going to be mailed out, and I really need one of those for myself.  I just love that thing.  Such a simple pattern, but it's so great, and so red.  I must have something in the stash.....