Roofers' Rage

I went outside yesterday to start digging a trench for the asparagus, but I got a little bit sidetracked: 

I think we need a gnome.  Or a gigantic toad. 

Then it started to rain in earnest and I was worried about my BlackBerry drowning, so I had to go in.  And thank goodness for that, because I don't really think I could take listening to the non-stop bickering between the roofing guys on the house behind mine.  It was about whether or not one of the guys did or didn't look for a nail gun on the roof, which was left in the gutter the night before. 

Holy Mother of Beelzebub. 

How many times can a large group of so-called grown men say, "Yes I did."  "No you didn't" and many variations of same, as well as "At least I didn't do such-and-such like [insert name of choice here]" and "At least I remembered to..." and "Why didn't you yell at Jason when he did the same thing"!?  And the boss.  OMG. He was a born leader -- NOT. 

"You should say to yourself, 'There were three hammers.  How many hammers do we have now?'"  

"I did."

"No you didn't."

"I did."

"You should ask, 'How many nail guns did we have out today?  We had four nail guns.  You should count the nail guns and make sure you have four nail guns."

"I did."

"No, you didn't."

"At least I remembered to..."

"No you didn't."

"You should ask, 'How many hammers were there?'  There were five hammers.  You should check and make sure you have FIVE hammers."

"I always check if there are five hammers."

"Then why was there a hammer stuck in the gutter, then?  Tell me that!  I bet when you go home, you know which room the TV is in, don't ya?!"

"I have a TV in every ROOM!"

"Jesus Christ.  You do not."

"I do too."

"No you don't.  Why is everybody standing around here doing nothing?  We're gonna be rained on again pretty soon."

"I'm working.  I'm always the only one working."

"No you're not."

"At least I'm not doing what Jason always does."

---------------------

FOR FUCKSAKE.

Shining examples of the male species these were not.  I was ready to take my garden spade, go over there, and start takin' 'em out, one by one.  And that's only because I don't own an AK-47. 

I kept thinking about what I read somewhere on the 'net that old instructions for planting asparagus began, "Bury a horse."  I figure mine could start, "Bury a man."  The fertilizer value might be quite a lot less, but then again, there had to be at least five of 'em up there on that friggin' roof.

Comments

[Kristen]

Oh geez. I'd be right there behind you! The only question would be which one to clobber first!

[Laurie]

Cracking up on the "bury a man" for the asparagus. What's out there isn't pretty.

[sandy]

Nuh-uh. Yah-huh. It's such a classic. For 2 year olds.
xo

[Nora]

I know you are, but what am I?

[gayle]

You so seldom see 5-yr-olds in the roofing business...

Love your gnome house.

[AnnaMarie]

Next yell out "what are you guys, twelve?" Gives them a minute to decide if they want to continue on that level or man up.

Wes pointed out the asparagus crowns at Agway yesterday, asked if I wanted some. I asked if he wanted to add digging those holes on top of his every growing list. Silence. Next year is fine. Since I planted 500 seeds yesterday we have enough holes to dig.

[margene]

You stayed and listened? Maybe you need an iPod. You do need a garden gnome.

[Brenda]

Of course there were five of them - there were five hammers, weren't there?

[Anne]

Hahhah - I think AnnaMarie means "woman" up. Yet another thing you don't often hear women say to each other (Did too!.... Did not!!).

And you know what they say. A friend will help you move; a good friend will help you move a body. I'm there for ya. Ring me.

[KTE]

Thank you Norma - my attitude required adjustment this morning, and my unfettered grins at your story did the trick. I appreciate it..
Seriously, that must have been completely maddening to listen to.

[Chery]

Norma, that'd be a pretty deep hole! Sure you want to start digging it? Funny story, thanks for telling it.

[jodi]

That is awesome. You should record some of that and make us a podcast.

[Cheryl S.]

I knew it! That rain is going to follow you.

[Seanna Lea]

I'm obnoxious enough to have set out a chair and with umbrella and tried my hand at steno-ing the entire thing (My first steno is your stupid conversation. Here is the bill.). I've seen women do the same type of thing, though it didn't go on that long before one of the pair realized what was happening and broke off.

[marianne]

Holy crap!
It takes one to know one. Of course you didn't hear that one out of them.
Heee, as nuts as it must've been listening to that crap...it did give me some giggles but oh so typical (with certain groups of males) and the only thing worse is listening to them talk about their spouses/girlfriends/females in general.... *WHUMP*** that's really when I want to take the garden hoe and start taking them out.

[Knitnana]

Yes, Five of them on the roof, and all of them full of *you know what* - sounds like an even exchange for the horse in my book!
(((hugs)))

[CindyCindy]

What amazes me is that we always remember these conversations. I cannot remember a simple instruction given by my brother, but by gum, I can remember a bickering couple's exchange in the grocery store. Oh, the shovel would be much more satisfying than the AK-47.

[paula]

MUST PLANT MY ASPARAGUS. That reminds me- there was a horse buried in Dec.-but not anywhere near the asparagus bed. Will have to settle for horse manure, I 'spose.

[Pam]

Welcome to my world EVERY day... as the site administrator for a small construction company, I can tell you without a doubt that that level of maturity is about the highest that you will get in this industry.

My 8 year old son is more mature than the 26 year old men I have to pay every day...

[Doris]

You started my day with a smile...mostly because I didn't have to listen to those guys, but could imagine you and your garden spade..Thanks!

[kmkat]

The instructions for starting a mushroom bed begin, Take a pile of horse manure 4'x6'x6'... Sounds like you could have had the beginnings for some tasty fungi!

[Beebs]

You make my day!! Thanks!

[beverly]

Sounds like there would have been plenty 'o fertilizer in even one of those men!!

[Manise]

I love Seanna Lea's comment! /snort

[faerielady]

An AR-15 would be better... and you'd still have fertilizer for the asparagus. Also they wouldn't lose nearly as much blood and there wouldn't be the same massive amounts of blood spatter if you just mowed 'em down.

[Cookie]

I love that toad house and all that rain you have.

Ya know, a girl could have a lot of fun with a wood chipper...

[Renee]

LOL -- too funny! I would've had my teenagers record them and then play if back if there was a moment of not bickering!!
Your toad house if sweet, makes me feel like getting out to clean up. Hopefully we're done with all the snow!

[Birdsong]

Gnomes would certainly be better sorts to have around than lame roofers. That photo looks like a 'for rent' sign in Gnomese if I've ever seen one.

[tayloe]

you're killing me Norma! Get the depends.

[elizabeth a airhart]

this was not a lifetime moment was it

have you thought about planting a farie garden
for all you know your toads could be a prince
or in your case a roofer- good night

[Helen]

Couldn't you have taken one of those rocks and picked off a roofer with it?

[thea]

So funny. A friend of mine has 3 kids who were under the age of 7 when she had plasterers come in. Turns out one of them had Turetts syndrome. What a week that was. Evesdropping went from funny to the kids at MY house all week. Way too many f-bombs.

My money's on the gnome. We have one. My grandma sent him up a few years ago. He still needs a name. Perhaps I'll have a blog contest for him. And then, he can be friends with yours...

[Sarah]

I think a gnome is an awesome idea.

I keep thinking, "Dumber than a bag of hammers."

[minnie]

unfortunately, that's the PRIME example of manhood in most areas. sigh

[sil]

Dude! How funny are those roofers! I wondered how you knew so much Spanish, but then I figured Vermont roofers are different from California roofers.

I hope you got the asparagus in, because roasted asparagus with baslamic vinegar is manna from the gods.

[Tracy J.]

Oh, that is hilarious. I would have had to go inside, too. Then maybe open a window and play some music really loud.

[Diane]

UM... Just a reminder... there are no Roofers in MENSA!
Who else would be out there in blistering heat, able to fall off a 3 story structure and surly to boot??!!

[Nise]

I vote for a gnome. But, you know, only if he (or she) lives there of his own free will, and is able to come and go as he pleases. We wouldn't want you to turn into a gnome oppressor, like described on www.freethegnomes.com. Maybe you could rent, or help a previously oppressed gnome get back on his feet. (Ok, I may be weird, but I almost fell out of my chair laughing the first time I read that website. Seriously, who thinks of these things?)
Here's hoping the neighbor's roof is finished quickly, but well done, so they don't have to come back!