Over the Moon

18 August 2005

Dear Stephanie,

I know you're really busy with your next book and getting ready for a bike-camping "vacation" (?) and all, but this is really important. You see, I had one hell of a day yesterday, and I really need you to tell everyone about it, because, well, you will tell it SOOO much better, and it deserves to be told well.

Here, let me give you the facts, and you take it from there, okay?

I got up, was reading my emails, chuckling over Sandy's "moon-the-moon" comment this morning, sitting in my chair just as nice as you please. Then I sneezed, one of those body-wracking sneezes that start at the tip of one's toes and come out the top of one's head. And, well, I threw my back out BIG TIME. I eventually hobbled downstairs and got myself ready for work, wincing all the while. 

On the way to work, I get a stone in my nearly-new windshield.

I swore, I swerved, I bitched and moaned that I only just REPLACED that windshield. But I consider myself lucky that there were no accidents or traffic jams -- especially ACCIDENTS that included me, given the way things were going. Frickin' mini-vans, they've always got stones in their tires to throw at my windshield, I swear. Those damn soccer moms must resent my poor old Camry or something.

Then I get to downtown Burlington on my way to the office where the deposition was being held. I got to a stop sign. And I sat there. And I sat there. And I sat there. Waiting for the stop sign to change. Please read that sentence again in case it doesn't make sense. Because it doesn't. Make sense. There was no traffic behind me (this is Burlington, after all) no one to angrily toot their horn at me to get the *&^%*()* out of the way, you stupid woman! It's possible I could still be there now, 12 hours later, but I was with it enough to ask, in an annoyed voice to myself, when the FUCK is this stop sign going to change?! Then my face got really red, and I looked around to see if anyone was staring at me (no one was - it's Burlington), cleared my throat, and stepped on the gas.

I get to the building the depo was to be held, and wouldn't you JUST KNOW IT, they've blocked off the parking all along that street for construction, so I have to go all over the place, around and around the block, to find a parking spot.  The place where I eventually get a space is adjacent to the building, but is in the back, and I'm not sure how to get to the FRONT, without walking miles, dragging my equipment behind me through a construction zone (thank goodness I remembered to bring my wheels today), with my bum back. By this point, I can only manage to hobble half bent over, but I'm making a valiant attempt at trying to straighten up and look like a normal human being.

Well, I get out of my car and find out that the parking meter is out of order. This is at least a break, right?  And lord knows, I need a break.

I hobbled down one dead end after another, trying to find a hole in the armor around this very secure building, and I finally manage to get to the front door and go through the security check-point, having to take all my equipment off my wheeled cart in my hobbled state and place it on the conveyor belt to be x-rayed. I almost wanted to lie down on the conveyor belt and be x-rayed myself and tell the security guys to send the films to my chiropractor, but nobody needs to be a wise-ass at a place like that. 

I do the depos.  The first deponent doesn't show up.  Fine with me - I'm hurting.  Then we do the rest. I see a meter person walk by, but I'm on the 3rd floor and in the middle of a deposition so I can't do anything about it.  I go out of the depositions and guess what?  I've got a parking ticket and the meter has been "fixed."  Bastard.  (If I were you, I'd use some more expletives here about those smug people in their yellow polo shirts and khaki shorts, but I'm handing over complete creative control to you. You just do what you think is right.)

I drive a couple blocks down the street where there is a locally-owned vitamin/herb store that I like. Because I'm feeling so weird, I decide to stop in there and see if there's some vitamin or something that I might feel I need, and also to buy some stinging nettles and Fenu-Thyme for my allergies, since I'm out and my allergies seem to have reared their ugly head again (this explains the sneeze-to-end-all-sneezes in the morning). I get out of that store without incident, cross the street to my car, get in, start to pull out, and someone comes STRAIGHT AT ME to park in the wrong direction, the direction opposite the way the cars are supposed to be parked.  And of course he knew he was doing something wrong, so he DARTED in.  STRAIGHT AT ME. Scared the living hell right out of me.  *insert a few choice expletives in this part of the story, if you wish, also. But it's just a suggestion. Again, creative control = completely yours.*

Amazingly, I got home without getting killed and without further serious incident.  I'm still exhausted.  I took all these "perk me up, " and "snap out of it" kinds of supplements and laid down for a nap. Except I didn't sleep -- at least I don't think I did, because I was conscious of the pain in my back the whole time.

But -- and this is where the story turns, so insert some sort of mood-change device here, if you have one in your arsenal -- I then got up and went out to get the mail.  And moon the moon, that gorgeous yarnhead Cari sent me some gorgeous handknit Trekking XXL (THAT'S what Trekking XXL looks like! Awesome!) socks in my COLORS! And in my SIZE!

Well, I don't need to tell you, but perhaps you can think of a fabulous way to tell the blog folk, my day took an instantly better turn at that moment. It was lucky for me that the temperature had dropped to 68 F, so it was cool enough to wear the socks. But even if it hadn't, I would have worn them anyway. I would have just retreated to my office and cranked the air conditioner way up high - to the MOON!

May I point out a nice bonus to the story? You know Cari's last name, right?  Luna. That's right. Cari Luna. Tell me the moon didn't have something to do with this. Just tell me!

Anyway, as I say, things started looking better, but not perfect. At husband's urging, I called the chiropractor at 6:37 p.m., and the dear said he would see me at 7:30. How awesome is that? I wore my new lucky moon socks to the visit, and I came out of there feeling much improved, though still not perfect. The doctor says I need to keep moving, which is not hard, since the new socks make me want to do a happy dance all night. And when I came out of his office, turned the corner to a street that faced due east, I'm telling you, there was the biggest, fattest moon so bloated and juicy and drippy and white, rising just at the end of that street like a huge milky plate. If I could just drive a little faster, I could TOUCH it. And it would be made of cool and creamy vanilla ice cream.

If I tried hard enough, I could hope to maybe do the story some justice, but if you wouldn't mind helping out, that would give me some more time to dance around in my new socks. Doctor's orders. Thanks, pal.

XO

N

Comments

[Lauren]

Those are definitely your colors. Sppppicy.

[freecia]

Oy Norma. I had a day just like that, where my normal 20 min drive became over an hour long.

What is a knitter to do? Go buy sock yarn.

[sandy]

It's just so hard for me to believe that something so beautiful can wreak so much havoc!
AND. Good thing you were not in Massachusetts sitting at that stop sign. If you even come to a full stop at one, you will evoke horn blares, hand gestures and shout. Scheez.
No wonder I"m stressed out. I can't even sit at a stop sign.
LOVE THE SOCKS!
You are lucky, indeed!

[Kathleen]

Wow, fabulous socks. So lucky! You know, the best thing you can do for your back is to build up your abs. 6 second abs anyone?

[margene]

I saw the moon at 3:00am when I went out to yell at noisey neighbors. I wanted to moon them, not the moon. It was so big and beautiful it was almost worth being up at that time. You don't need Stephanie to tell your story for you. You did a might fine job of it.

[Rachel H]

To add on to Kathleen's point, how about using one of those Pilates balance balls instead of your office chair for a little while each day? It takes a bit of getting used to, but is a great way to strengthen the abs and back without having to find the motivation to put down the knitting and exercise. I've actually been advised by a massage therapist and my MD to knit on the ball to prevent worsening of the bursitis in my left shoulder. Just have to find the doohicky to inflate the ball with now...

So glad you got happy-making socks in the mail. They're beautiful!

[Mary Beth]

Glad things are lookin' up!

[Kim]

Damn hon---sounds like it's been a rough week. Big hugs. I'm here if you need to talk. xxoo

[Anne]

Uh, I love Steph to death, but I think you did just fine with it on your own. Hope the back is better this a.m.

[claudia]

Whoa. That is some tale of woe -- right up to the socks, babe.

Thank goodness for Cari's socks, or things could have been really, really ugly.

[Annie]

I'm sorry that your day was so bad, but I can't get past the temperature being 68F?!? Sounds like heaven to me. And the socks? Lovely!

And finally, I agree with Anne, you did a great job with the story.

[Lee Ann]

Socks Save Day In Sleepy St. Albans...story at Norma's :-) You did a fine job. I have done the same damned thing at the stop sign, and my husband was with me. He asked me if I was perhaps waiting for the planets to realign, or could we maybe continue driving and get the f*** home, because clearly I needed a cold drink, a lie-down, and a brain-cell infusion. He said it in a nice voice, though, so he didn't get the Glare of Embarrassed Death.

And here, we have the Two B*tches In The Nasty Red Montréal Car who drive around and put tickets on everyone's cars because it's a full moon on Thursday, therefore you may not park in this spot, though you could park in the one in front of it or the one in back of it and we would not mind, but no, you have chosen the one spot that is ticketable for the next ten minutes and we've caught you, hahaha. I hate them. There's always two of them, and they're always girls, and they always smile at you as they shaft you and drive away, laughing. Grrr.

Happy Friday, mwah :-)

[Carole]

So glad the socks (and Cari!) saved the day. Hope things continue to improve now that the full moon has passed.

[cari]

The socks are infused with super powers that repel bad days. (See, the secret ingredient is all the love that's knit into them.)

MWAH!

[Stephanie VW]

I take back everything I said about whining yesterday. And about going for a walk. After a day like that, I'm pretty sure you could get away with a month-long whine and no one would give you any flack.

Cari and those socks have perfect timing. They were like a life vest being thrown to a drowning woman. huhn. Life vests are usually orange. Coincidence or celestial conspiracy? Hmmmmm...

BTW - You don't need the Harlot to write your story. I felt every bit of your pain even without the use of the word "arse".

[Cara]

I need some of those socks - PRONTO! Glad your day improved.

[Judy]

I just hate that VT doesn't have windshields covered on car insurance.. or at least mine says they don't. Any other state, but... and we have soooo many rocks!

[Leslie]

You've been eating wheat again, haven't you? ;-)

[Celia]

Those socks are N-I-I-I-CE. I did that wait thing at a stop sign yesterday. Except there was a very befuddled someone facing the opposite direction doing the very same thing.

[Libby]

Does Cari sell her socks? Damn, but I need a pair.

BTW - it was definitely the moon. Over here in Seattle at about 9 pm last night, it was huge and ORANGE and all this mist was across it...if I didn't know any better, I would think it was October and a big ol' harvest moon.

Keep your chin up Norma - you're doing fine :)

[Lene]

I think you did the story justice. I laughed, I cried, I winced, I sighed and felt all moony...

[Sara]

Ah, the healing power of the perfect hand-knit socks. Hope your back is feeling better soon.

[Em]

Cari makes the best socks. I'm glad they arrived just in time!

[stephanie]

You definitely do not need my help.
(I do need your socks though. That Cari's got it going on.)

PS. Your day sucked more than mine.

[Michelle]

Woman! you're writing kicks ASS! and kicking in those gorgeous new socks makes kicking ass so B.U.T.FULL! So sorry about your sucky day...that explains why you didn't return my phone call! I forgive you cuz you made my husband and I giggle with that great, but frustrating, story. And I know that my commas probably aren't in the right place...something that I am always conscience of when I'm typing to you! You depo typing pro. Miss you and hope to see you at yoga...with orders from your chiro - I should be seeing you there? AND I'll be in Essex on Oct 1 & 2...heading down with anyone particular??! Again, Miss you! Chat with you soon!

[Kim]

Norma you are too funny!! Poor moon gets blamed for so much havoc.....but look what the moon brought you! Great socks!!!

Glad to see you are feeling a bit better. I'm told the allergy season is starting early this year......bummer,eh?

[Elizabeth]

I think we've all been to that Ticket Hell at some point. My allergies started exactly two weeks ago Thursday. Someone told me this season is going to be a whopper. Please pass the tissues. Those are lovely socks.

[rams]

Quick, find someone with a copy of the original cast recording of Avenue Q and listen to the song "Sucks to be Me" -- lovely, lilting Sesame Street-type song in which each character tops the previous one in establishing why it sucks to be them until the Gary Coleman character summarizes his life, at which point the cheerful chorus changes to a concensus of "It Sucks to be You," the phrase my children used to be able to wield as objective sympathy.

[Anna]

You told that story quite well indeed! Love the socks. I'm really into the whole moon thing and last night's moon was so beautiful here in coastal NC. It was huge and kind of yellowy. It was gorgeous! It was almost like you could reach out and touch it. DBF said it was a harvest moon, but I'm not sure about that..........
Hope your back is feeling better soon.

[Donna in Virginia]

Don't feel too bad about the stop sign waiting. I once went in the elevator at school and waited and waited for it to go up. Unfortunately I had not pushed th up button.

[Nathania]

Wow. That's about all I can say. Wow. What a way to turn around the day.

[Shelley]

Oh what a story! Love the socks and what colors. Hope the moon shines well on your path and all gets better soon!

[Chelle]

Norma, reading about your day is always enjoyable. No one could write it better than you - I'm still chuckling over "sitting waiting for the stop sign to change." I'm never going to view a stop sign again without smiling. Thanks for the laugh. Chelle