A Deposition - Volume 1

This is an actual transcript from an actual deposition. Really.

NOWNORMA KNITS, having been duly sworn, deposes and says as follows:

EXAMINATION BY KOIGU P. GREENSTRIPE, ESQUIRE, ATTORNEY FOR THESECOND SOCK:

Q. Please state your full name for the record.

A. Nownorma Knits.

Q. Do you mind if I call you Nownorma, or do you prefer Ms. Knits?

A. Nownorma is fine.

Q. Thank you. My name is Koigu Greenstripe, and I represent the plaintiff, Thesecond Sock, in this case.

Now, you recently entered the Blogger Protection Program; am I right?

A. Yes, I did.

Q. And before you went into hiding with the Blogger Protection Program, you were working on behalf of my client, Thesecond Sock?

A. Yes, I was.

Q. My understanding is that you had completed the heel flap before you left; is that right?

A. Mm-hm.

Q. Please say yes or no for the court reporter.

A. Oh, yes. Sorry.

Q. That's okay; everyone does it.  Now, please define heel flap for me.

A. It's when you get really, really crazy and want to throw your knitting to the floor because you've made a really dumb mistake and you start flapping your arms around madly and stomp on the sock with your heel. That's where the heel flap comes in.

Q. Are you sure of that definition?

A. Why wouldn't I be?

Q. Well, let me take this opportunity to say that one of the privileges I get by being the lawyer for Mr. Sock in this deposition is I get to ask the questions. I should have gone over the guidelines for a deposition at the beginning. This is my chance to ask questions and to have you answer them. If at any time you don't understand my questions, would you please tell me you don't understand the question?

A. I don't understand the question.

Q. No, I mean if I ask a question that you don't understand, please tell me.

A. Oh. Okay.

Q. Otherwise I will assume you understood the question if you answer it. And if you would please wait for me to finish my question, I'll try to wait 'til you finish your answer before I ask my next question. That will make things easier for the court reporter.

A. Fine.

Q. And we've already gone over this --

A. Mm-hm.

Q. -- but no head shakes and no mm-hms and uh-uhs, for the court reporter's sake; agreed?

A. Mm-hm. I mean, yes. Sorry.

Q. All right. And please don't forget to let me finish the question before you --

A. Okay.

Q. -- answer. You just --

A. Okay. 

Q. Please don't -- Never mind. Now, let's see if we can peg down your definition of heel flap. First, can you tell me how long you've been knitting?

A. Oh, I don't know. About a year and a half, I guess.

Q. And where did you learn to knit?

A. Well, I kind of taught myself. My mother originally taught me a few basics way back when I was in junior high, but the rest I learned recently from books and the Internet.

Q. The Internet?  What do you mean by that?  What is this; in chat rooms or something?

                            MS. DePIENNS:  Object to the form of the question.  You can answer if you understand it.   

A. No, no. There's this whole blogging thing. People have blogs, they write about knitting, and you can really learn a lot from them.

Q. And these are the people you're hiding from?

A. Well, yes, but most of them are really not that bad.

Q. Have you met any of these people in person, or is this all rather imaginary, so to speak?

A. Well, many of us have met in person. We get together from time to time at sheep festivals, stitch-and-bitches, spinning parties and things like that.

Q. Now, these spinning parties you talk about, is this somewhat like a rave?

A. Yeah, I guess you could say that.

Q. Do people take drugs at these things?

A. Well, I've heard people talk about spinning crack and things like that, but I've never tried it. Well, I've tried it, but I've never inhaled.

Q. Mm-hm. And what was the first thing you said? Cheap festivals?

A. No, no. I said sheep festivals. They're definitely not cheap.

Q. Sheep festivals?

A. Yes.

Q. What exactly is a sheep festival?

A. It's just like it sounds.

Q. A festival for sheep?

A. Well, no. Yes. Sort of. You go and you buy yarn and eat lamb burgers and see people and buy more yarn and look at the sheep in the barns, take classes. That sort of thing.

Q. And do a lot of people go to these sheep festivals?

A. Oh, yes. They flock to them.

Q. And what is the purpose for going?

A. I just told you. Buy wool, see the sheep, eat lamb, meet up with people.

Q. I see. Do people pay to get into these things?

A. Yes.

Q. They pay to get in to buy yarn?

A. Yes. Well, it's not all yarn. There are the deep-fried twinkies and there are some classes and competitions and stuff. And they have port-o-lets and everything.

Q. And excuse me if I misunderstood, but did you say something about bitches?

A. Stitch and bitches.

Q. What is that?

               THE COURT REPORTER:  Could you spell that, please?

               THE DEPONENT:  s-t-i-t-c-h-n-b-i-t-c-h. 

BY MR. GREENSTRIPE:

Q. What is a stitch and bitch?

              (A discussion took place off the record.)

Q. All right, back to the matter we're here to discuss. Thesecond Sock. You first met Mr. Sock when?

A. When I was on a trip in New Hampshire.

Q. When was this?

A. In the early summer, late spring.

Q. How did you meet?

A. A woman introduced us at a yarn shop.

Q. How do you know this woman?

A. From the blogs.

Q. Is this one of the people you're hiding from?

A. No. She's been on vacation and doesn't even know I'm in hiding.

Q. When did you meet her?

A. The same day.

Q. The same day you met my client?

A. Yes.

Q. How did that come about?

A. Well, I was driving with some friends, and we met up at this yarn shop in New Hampshire.

Q. And she introduced you to my client?

A. Sort of. She gave me some yarn.

Q. She gave you some yarn, but you had never met before?

A. Yes.

Q. How did that come about?

A. Well, she wrote me an email that said that if I had some socks on needles on the day we met --

Q. Let me interrupt you there.  Socks on needles?  Did you say socks on needles?

A. Yes, meaning yarn being made into socks, on knitting needles.

Q. Oh, I get it. Please continue.

A. So if I had some socks on needles and I showed her, that she would give me some sock yarn in colors I like.

Q. And so you had socks on needles to show her that day?

A. No.

Q. You didn't?

A. No.

Q. So she didn't give you the sock yarn?

A. Yes, she did.

Q. Well, you said she said if you had socks on needles when you met her, and you showed it to her, that she would give you sock yarn. 

A. Yes.

Q. Was this intended to be a gift, or --

A. Yes.  A gift. But only if I had socks on needles.

Q. But didn't you just -- (to the reporter) Could you read back that answer?

                  (The requested answer was read back by the court reporter.)

Q. So you said --

A. No. She said if I would show her that I was knitting socks --

Q. Excuse me for interrupting, but why did she want to see that you were knitting socks?

A. Oh, I don't know. There's this whole thing that knitters think other knitters should knit socks, and she was trying to entice me into knitting socks by offering me a bribe, basically.

Q. A bribe?

A. Well, not a bribe, really. Well, yeah, actually, kind of a bribe. Sort of an inducement, more like.

Q. Is this why you have gone into hiding?

A. No, it has nothing to do with it.

Q. I'm confused. 

A. Bloggers do stuff like that.

Q. Stuff like what?

A. Bribe, induce, coerce.

                                MR. GREENSTRIPE: Well, I can see that this deposition is going to take a lot longer than I thought it would, so we are going to have to come back another day to continue with the questioning. Is that all right with you?

                               THE DEPONENT: Yeah. Is it all right if I bring my knitting next time?

                               MR. GREENSTRIPE: Yes, I guess that would be fine. And let me just say that if you would listen closely to the question and try to focus, that would help speed things along.

                               THE DEPONENT:  Hm?

(The deposition was recessed.)

Comments

[Sharon]

I'm laughing so hard I have to go pee. Love it!

[Kristen]

Ahhh, brings back memories of my brief stint as a corporate law department secretary... The depos there were rarely so amusing though!

[k]

Norma needs a NORming vacation!
Reminds me of that scene from "Blade Runner"; "I'll tell you about my mother..."

[Kathleen]

Norma you are a total kook.

[Lee Ann]

Oh dear. Ohhhhhh dear. If my sock made me depose I'd be in big freaking trouble and I'd have to admit to things like fondling roving and twirling hanging thingies and making bunnies.

But my sock is not that smart.

[Teresa C]

Gosh, for all that the sock could have been finshed by now! Hee hee thanks for the laugh.

[margene]

NowNorma, have you picked up the sock and continued to knit at this point in time?

If the answers is never then well grrl, you just might need to be in the Blogger PP.

Wait until Mr Greenstripe hears the 'real' reason. You'll have him climbing the walls and we'll be holding our sides.

[Kim]

OMG......you are TOO Funny!! I almost spit my coffee on the monitor from laughing!! hahaha!! Thank you for my morning giggle!

[Rachel H]

Boy, you must've reeeaaaallly pissed off that sock to have him get a lawyer that aggressive... I've kept his distant cousin, Thesecondsockthatsbeencastonthreetimesandrippedbackthreetimesthennotstartedagainforalmostamonth, far, far away from this post so she doesn't get any ideas.

[Jean E.]

You are hysterical!!! Thanks for getting my day off to a great start.

[Julie]

NORma! Please knock it off. I can't take this so early in the morning.

[Kim]

Oh man, there's a good reason I didn't get into the legal field...my head is spinning....

[Cathy]

So does "term of art" come into this thing or not? And, all the more reason to avoid sock knitting.

[Cathy]

Oh, and are you using an alias? Coz you are Now Norma Knits 2. 2. Like TWO. Unless you want to be TOO. Like Also. (This comment is probably enough to make you return to sock knitting or ban this commenter. I say, sock knitting. You need all these comments in the general scheme of blogging things.)

[Cassie]

Cheap festivals. I'm going to call them cheap festivals from now on. Hysterical!

[anj]

a. complete. trip.

Thanks babe, I needed the giggle this morn.

[sandy]

You really HAVE been working too hard. Work is now overtaking your FUN life!
:)
You are a hoot, my dear. I almost spewed my diet coke.

[cari]

I'd just like to state for the record, in case this thing goes to trial, that as a freelancer I'm not available for jury duty.

[Em]

I think all my unfinished pairs of socks could get together for a civil action against me. Help!

[DEbbie]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! I just fell off my chair!!!!!!!

[Elizabeth]

Honestly, all over a little meme!
And at what time do we show up for the deposition tomorrow?

[Kristen]

oh goodness - the last thing knitters (and esp. knitting bloggers need) is a special type of lawyer who is well versed in the lingo and the low down.

Thinking of all the cases that could come against me (from both unfinished items that feel shafted I've moved onto other projects (how much can they sue for and how does one guage the emotional damages of SSS?) and my possible future spouse who might someday find out what my secret obsession is.)

(or maybe this is the sign I needed so that any future dates I go on are forewarned of my love of all things wool and sheep and before we're married we'll sign something saying that it's okay for me to spend any amount of money I want at the cheap festivals....?)

[Vicki]

No kidding. If nothing else, Nownorma, I gave you some great blog fodder. Very entertaining. Will the sock be taking the stand?

[Katy]

Oh, the sock should definitely take the stand.
Too funny!

[Brynne]

You have a gift for humor! Thanks for making me laugh this morning.

[mamacate]

Oh my gosh, Norma, that is a CLASSIC! My brain was starting to run out of my ears here at work, and you've just totally cheered me up.

I can't wait for the next part of the deposition.

Mmm hmm....

:)

[Deb]

Oh. My. God. Too funny!

[alison]

Oh, the Ecstacy at those spinning raves - you crack me up. And from the sound of all the 'pee-my-pants' comments, your readers had all better be doing their Kegels before reading your blog!

[Kay]

As a person who used to say all the stupid things Mr. Di Pienns says in this deposition, I just want to say that I always knew that the court reporters KNEW WE WERE A BUNCHA JERKS with all that crap about 'if you answer a question I will assume you understood it blah blah BLAH!!!!!'

Just hilarious. Just nails how easily depositions go COMPLETELY OFF THE RAILS and waste everybody's time.......oh and the knitting stuff is LOL also. xoxox Kay, Reformed, Retired Lawyer

[julia fc]

Norma Norma Norma . . .
it's okay. You can come out now. No one's going to hurt you or be upset. Really. You can trust me on this. really. I'm not even holding any yarn, koigu or bunny or anything. Just meet me at the nearest yarn shop and everything will ... be... just... fine.

[Marcia]

Even my husband, who has been deposed (he's in housing, always getting sued) many times thought that was hysterical, even the knitting references he really didn't get. You made my day!

[jenn]

"They flock to them."

OMG, Cousin Norma, how could you? I'm going to have to tell my boy (the pun-meister) that one. Oh, how I groaned when I read that!

I still love you, baby, but damn!

[Lara]

you are one GOOFy woman, Ms. Norma!

[Juno]

You are evil funny. I mean that in the good way.

[Karola]

Norma, i'm rotflmao
and i'm at work in a litigation department of a NYC law firm.. hahahahah.. and we get depositions every day.. hahahahhaha. this is too funny please make it stop my sides hurt. i'm going to get in trouble.. hahahahahaha... help tears are streaming down my face.. i've got to go to the bathroom.. help.. oops accident.. knew i should have worn those depends this morning.. haha.. thanks so much for making my job fun! hugs karola

[Joan]

Too good.

Vy are you vasting your talents here in this venue?

I havf contacts.

I can help you.

Call me?

[Dean]

I'm cracking up here, and from what I know about a woman I totally believe you. Watch out, from about 8 comments above it looks as if she's still around. I think she's on the sock's side.

[Bonstrick]

I almost fell out of my chair from laughing. Thank you for a wonderful start to my day!