Now comes the part you've all been waiting for! This has been like a damn television mini-series. (I promise to never be so boring in the future.) To think, you could have been watching the World Darts Championships on BBC Two. Or snooker.
Imagine the hushed voices of the sports commentators and a telly camera in my kitchen ceiling: "And here comes Norma. She's sizing up the situation. Is she going to use the pointy scissors or the hammer? All quiet, please....."
ATTACHING THE HARDWARE
These are the tools you will need:
You do not need one of these sheepy mugs, but I feel certain it would help. Just don't accidentally hit it with your hammer. Kindly notice how nicely it complements what I am wearing in the photo. Please also observe that I am not wearing Plain Vanilla. This is most definitely noteworthy and rare.
2. Hold one half of the grommet in place, take a knitting needle and poke through the hole, through both thicknesses of the fabric, to line up the holes.
3. Using very sharp scissors (I use spring-action ones - they are the coolest things EVER!), poke and twist through hole, ONE THICKNESS OF THE FABRIC AT A TIME, making it a bit larger, then snip away very small bits of fabric to make a hole through which the bottom portion of the grommet/eyelet can just barely fit. BE CAREFUL NOT TO MAKE THE HOLE TOO BIG. IF YOU DO, THERE IS NO REPAIRING IT WITHOUT GETTING LARGER GROMMETS.
4. Place bottom of eyelet through hole, and place top piece over it. Squeeze together and hold in place.
5. Place eyelet tool over top portion and hammer sharply a few times. Be careful to move other fabric out of the way, and hammer on a cutting board or some other surface so as not to damage surfaces below.
6. Repeat for other three eyelets -- one behind the one you just finished, and two on the other side of the bag.
7. Position D-shank over two eyelets, place end rings of two handles over the D-shank. Screw in rod, adding a small drop of glue before tightening with a tiny screwdriver (from an eyeglass repair kit).
Isn't she beautiful? Is it bad that this was intended as a gift, but now I'm keeping it for myself? You know what I've learned about myself recently? My munificence only extends so far.
But in the interest of full disclosure, I must tell you that I did some creative set work for my photography. In order to get this bag to stand up, I had to fill it with light cotton kitchen towels. This is what it looks like without the towels:
But don't worry. This is what it looks like with my wallet, cell phone, sunglasses and the few other items I would normally be carrying in it:
AND A WORD ABOUT CLOSURES: This bag could use a closure, but I don't feel it's necessary, and unless I could find just the right thing, I feel it would detract from its appearance. Magnetic closures are a no-go because they erase credit cards. A large snap might be ok, but it would have to be covered with a decorative button on both sides, otherwise it would be hideous. The bag is designed well, so it doesn't really gap open, and it's wider on the bottom than the top, so things would not necessarily fall out. Kim once did one with a neat shank-style button, and I might consider that with a nice piece of leather or something to hook it shut. A snap closure would also work if the bag were lined and the snap were placed only in the lining. I think I will experiment with that a little bit. For this particular bag, being a bit floppy, the extra fabric might be a plus for adding body, as well. I have a shop nearby that sells end-runs and seconds of upholstery fabric, and if I could find something really really cool that matched the colors of this bag, how great would that be?! The only hitch will be that I'm really bad with a sewing machine, and I haven't a clue how I would secure the lining to the inside of the bag. I feel certain that I would fuck it up. I think this is a job for .....Super Eggplant! Of course you know I will keep you informed!
Wow! This story even had a surprise ending and a super hero! See? I told you it was going to be exciting! Thank you for coming to my show. Please exit single-file and mind the gap....form an orderly queue to pick up a programme on your way out for....
Coming Soon: More About Martin. Expect a little schmaltz.