Norma Does Rosanne Rosannadanna

~ Hey, it's a better title than Norma Does Nashville, isn't it? ~

Please adopt your best Roseanne Rosannadanna voice when reading the following post. 

What's all this I keep reading about Holiday stress all over the damn blogworld?  You people are really getting me pissed off (except Claudia, who seems to have adopted the same nonchalant attitude about the holidays as I have.  And I don't need to tell you who Claudia is, do I?  What are you, dead or something?)

All you people keep moaning and complaining about shopping and trees and wreaths and cookies and concerts and wrapping and cooking and stress and more shopping and what if so-and-so doesn't like the gift I got her and my dad will probably not like this peter-heater* I've knitted for him.  I've heard enough about all this.  You should just do what I do:  Nothing.  This is a much better option.  There is no stress involved. 

Sure, your neighbors all glare at you because yours is the only house on the street that doesn't look like it belongs in Vegas.  Yeah, when the snow melts and things look dirty, YOUR house looks EXTRA dirty.  You just shrug and pretend you're a rich snowbird and have gone to Florida for the winn'er.  Fuggedaboudit. 

If you give them nothing, your relatives have no room to complain that they don't like what you gave them.  They can bitch and moan about the fact that you gave them nothing.  But let's face it, they're just looking for something to bitch and moan about anyway.  Might as well keep the money and save your hurt feelings. And if you don't bake anything, nobody will complain that it made them too FATTTTTT. 

Now, I'm not sayin' to be a Scrooge, or nothin'.  I'm just sayin' GET A GRIP.  Stop the insanity.  Stop thinking you HAVE to do all this stuff, and still one more thing, and then ANOTHER thing, every little minute.  YOU'RE in control, not THEM.  You don't have to buy SO MANY TOYS.  You don't HAVE TO USE so much wrapping paper.  You don't have to stretch the credit card 'til it's ready to burst.  You don't HAVE to make every single cookie recipe known to woman.  You don't HAVE to put up with pain-in-the-ass relatives.

I know that some of these things are things you look forward to, like the smells and the sights, and even the presents.  But it doesn't have to be so all-consuming, does it?  It doesn't have to be so much about STUFF and OBLIGATIONS.  The holidays are for enjoying, not for some artificially imposed feeling of having to do EVERYTHING perfectly, or having to do everything your neighbors do, who, incidentally are probably over at their houses feeling all shitty and resentful and stressed-out, too.  And they're bound to feel even worse when the bills come in in January. 

I'm telling you, it's much, much better.  I know from experience.  And you know, we live in a culture and society where we HAVE everything we need already.  We buy it as we want it throughout the year.  This is something that bothers me about the whole gift-giving obligation thing.  And even worse, the "me-me-me," "I want-I want-I want" throw-away culture we live in.  Lawdy, how many more gadgets and widgets and how many more pairs of Abercrombie jeans do we NEED?  It's not like our grandparents' generations, where Christmas and birthdays were the ONLY times they got something new, if they were even lucky enough to get that. 

A really special treat then:  An orange in the stocking.  That's because oranges were scarce and expensive, and to get one in the stocking was a TREAT.  Now we have a box of imported clementines a day.  You put an orange in a kid's stocking, and forget about a lump of coal, you might as well have put in a turd. 

Just, you know, light some candles, bake a batch of cookies, sit back and listen to some nice music and relate with your family.  That's the best gift of all. 

Amen. 

-----------------

And now, for a change of pace, a story of a random act of kindness:

The attorney I was working with yesterday gave me this:

I hadn't yet gotten around to getting a wreath.  (read above rant)  I wasn't sure if I was going to bother this year.  This is one of the nicest, most beautiful wreaths, and really the most in scale with the size of our house, that we've ever had.  Can you imagine?  Just out of the blue.  And I've only met him once before. How 'bout that?  Now, THAT'S the holiday spirit, ladies and gentlemen. 

*"peter-heater" is the #1 Google search for this blog.  I am not kidding.  At least three a day, sometimes a dozen, EVERY day, since I used that term about the flap of my brown felted bag.  And it's from Google.ca.  Do you Canadians have cold peters or something?  Please enlighten.  I am extremely curious! Perhaps I will have to go up there and feel some.  Just to report for the blog, you understand. Please send all your knitted peter-heaters here, and I will distribute them if I find some really cold peters up there. 

Comments

[Kristen]

Amen, sistah, amen!

Fortunately, I have a built-in excuse for avoiding the holiday spending nuttiness: the utter poverty of graduate school. OK, so there is a little innate grinchiness there too.

I suspect it must be Stephanie searching for peter-heaters as it came up on her blog once. ;)

[Cassie]

Okay, I promise that from now on, I will no longer obsess about knitted peter heaters via Cdn Google. But by gosh and golly, they've got to be cold up there, eh?

[Katherine]

Yeah Norma!!!

[Donna]

A wreath? You're a step ahead of me. I have a child in the house, and there is no tree, no tinsel, no wreath. There is a lonely stuffed polar bear with a santa hat. That is as far as my decorations go ths year. And baking? Why start now? If I start baking, they'll expect it all the bloody time! :)

[Nathania]

Thank you for the breath of fresh air, Norma. I needed that reminder.

[Lara]

You crack me up. Your rants are hysterical! It's soo true, though. Do it because you WANT to, and you ENJOY it, not out of obligation. As for the bit about the orange...well, times change I guess, and in this country we take a lot for granted (me included). Thanks for the post to remind us to slow the fuck down though and APPRECIATE. :)

[Jackie]

Norma - you are absolutely right! We need to stop and look around and ENJOY. Thanks for the "orange inthe stocking" reminder - one of the biggest jokes my sisters and I have...coming from a BIG poor family, those oranges were dreaded!

[Susan]

Oh, I agree with you there! I've really been enjoying this season because my three year old's Christmas list has only one thing on it -- the Disney Mulan video. She's asked for it every day and has asked every Santa we've encountered for that video. . . and nothing else. Somehow, it just touches my heart that my kid only wants one thing for Christmas, and a very affordable thing at that. Tonight we're going to be talking about how nice it is to give to others, so we'll see how much of that she understands.

[Land Shark]

Hey Scroogey!
Bah Humbug on you!
:)
xoxo

[Mary Beth]

"It's always SOMETHIN'!" (Wasn't that Rosanne's trademark?) Thanks Norma - I never really thought about how Christmas used to be about getting things that were sorely needed or SUCH a treat! Have you ever watched Little Women - the one with Susan Surandon and ???. It's great for your Christmas spirit!

[Erin]

Amen! And Halleluja!

I am so on board. I really had to think this year when asked what I wanted for Christmas. When not much was not a satisfactory answer I asked for nice yarn. I don't want to be stressed out and upset this year. I just want to enjoy being around people I love.

[Jenny]

I HAVE been sitting down and watching all the Christmas specials that I usually miss, even the animated ones for the kids, and I've enjoyed them all immensely. However, coming up is a "problem"...I decided this year that I am NOT going to go over to the in-laws! I always have a miserable time, so it will be nice for me not to go, BUT, there's the husband who will take offense at the idea.........
Waaay back when I was in high school, I knitted a bunch of "test-tube warmers" for my Bacteriology teacher in all seriousness, only to be mortified at the Christmas party when everyone else thought they were woolen rubbers!!!!

[Cathy]

Great post, Norma. I think a lot of us (myself included) needed that back-to-reality smack on the head. Down with Christmas knitting! Yay for Christmas sharing! :)

[elisa]

My favorite gift to receive: photographs.
My favorite gift to give: time w/my loved ones.

Happy Holidays!

[claudia]

What she said.

(as usual, Sandy is cracking me up...land shark....BWHAHAHAHA!)

[Melanie]

Add me to the Amen! chorus. I don't give gifts unless I find something I think the recipient would really, really like, otherwise it's cards all round (although, this does mean I need to sit my sorry butt down and write my damn cards). And I make only one or two types of cookies, and they're pretty low-impact recipes. And I live far enough away from family that Christmases generally consist of wandering around in a robe all day, drinking spiked hot chocolate, bestirring ourselves to cook a nice meal at some point, and generally vegging. It's a beautiful, beautiful thing.
This year I'm dog-sitting for a friend, so the weekend of Christmas will consist of sloth broken by trips to his house to let the dog out and make sure the cats haven't caused havoc.

[KC]

Thanks, Norma. You're smart, you're funny, and you're right.

[alison]

Go Norma! My perfect holiday consists of people and time, and cookies and snow, and a fireplace. Not necessarily in that order. And fuck the shopping malls. Go Norma! My holiday heroine!

[crystal]

heheh! peter heaters. well, as a canadian, it was a runninig joke that i was going to knit all of my guy friends peter heaters. they're real, you know. there are actually patterns out there for them. i think fishermen used to use them on the frozen high seas, or something. but really, wool? down there? you gotta be kidding me. and stephanie might now more about this, as i am western and she is fluent in all things eastern. heeeee. but as a side note, i always called them a "cock cosy" instead of peter heater.

[crystal]

and i meant "know" and not "now". hehe. talking on the phone and typing at the same time is not one of my strong suits ;)

[heather]

my gma used to put oranges in our stockings too. I loved that tradition so much I continue it with my daughter...she generally tosses it aside and focuses on the spongebob items and the choco coins. :) very cool...my whole street looks like Clark Griswold threw up...so many dammed lights..and we PROUDLY are one of the Three DARK houses on my block...don't sweat the small stuff...and as my grandma still says, "You can only eat an elephant one bite at at time..."

The Susan Powter quote cracked my ass up (no pun intended) "STOP THE INSANITY!!!"

Enjoy Christmas, eat that elephant one bite at a time. well said norma dear.

[roggey]

Sugar, you can take this anyway you want but really? For this post? I. Love. You.

[Michelene]

Norma, given your comments about Ewan MacGregor's.....attributes, may I suggest the term "lightsaber sheath" instead of peter heater?

[Margene]

What you said! It is amazing how crazy people allow themselves to get this time of year and rather sad they don't really enjoy the Holidays. Everyone breathe deeply and listen to Norma!

[Wendy]

A-fucking-men (this happens to be one of my favorite vulgar exclamations.)

Someone found me by searching for exhibitionism. Should I be worried?!

[Kim]

I agree whole heartedly with the Christmas frenzy rant (have to ponder the peter heater issue more, obviously haven't given it the thought it deserves.)
BUT, we need to remember that the globe is bulging with people who do REALLY need things, like food, housing, medicine. They can use some major giving and you don't have to go to a mall to do it, there are many great organizations that will take the trouble for you, just give.

[Susan]

I'm with you on this rant, Norma. I bought all my gifts that day before Thanksgiving. Now I just have to wrap them; well, and mail them, too. But just think, there's much less chance they'll get lost in the mail if I wait until after the Christmas mailing rush. And isn't that what Boxing Day is for anyway? A little one-day cushion in case you're a smidge late with the shopping and mailing.

[Rachel]

Glad to know I'm not the only who believes in the power of doing nothing. Hubby and I have made a rule that presents are only to be given if we run across something special, and never because of a holiday -- birthdays, christmas, anything. This works really well for me since I am terrible at keeping secrets and I hate waiting. I also don't deal well with knitting deadlines, and I never have what I am "supposed" to have knitted when it is "supposed" to be done. And really, as you said, we have everything that we need. I dread being asked what I want for . If they find something that they want to give me, great. Otherwise, just having them as a part of my life is truly, truly enough.

Also, has anyone else noticed that the kids at Christmas who get overloaded with gifts and stockings and all that shit, just turn into little monsters hopped up on sugar? And why is it that no matter how much they get, always, always, always, the only thing they can focus on is what they didn't get?

Happily removed from the frenzy and enjoying the season nonetheless...

[aubree]

Amen, Norma!! I have adopted this attitude for xmas this year, and have been so much happier and more able to enjoy things. Even the little amount of knitting I am doing is fun, which it has never been before. Imagine that! My mom also puts oranges in our stockings every year, because of the whole "tradition" thing. It always drove us nuts when we were kids, but now I think it's kinda cool.

[mamacate]

Wait a minute! I thought the holidays WERE about stressing out, overspending and overeating! Oh no! Now what will I do? :) TBH, I used to do nothing for the holidays, mostly quite happily, but always felt like I wasn't playing along with some grand game that everyone else was doing. I felt a little like a scrooge. We try to keep it in perspective, but over the last few years we have done more: last year we got a big tree (it was nothing, then Norfolk Island Pines--killed promptly each year, then a rosemary tree, now a big one). This year we actually hung up lights. I just can't resist the excitement of the 2-year-olds. But it *is* a good reminder to keep in in perspective.

But that's not why I'm commenting--I wanted to make sure you had the *actual* peter-heater pattern. It gets discussed periodically on the gay knitlist, which has enough men on it that there are actually people who care, lol. I think willie warmer is also a preferred term. Here's what those blog visitors are probably looking for: http://www.dangliebits.com/kwillie.html

Thought you'd like to know. Or not. ;) Cate

[Vicki]

You get a noogie for that one!

[Elizabeth]

Sorry, but I'm not buying it. Those were brave words but just a few posts back I saw all the wool and plans for the wool that you had! I don't really believe you are bowing out. Time will tell. And as for the peter-heaters - of course it's fucking freezing up here! We've inhabited too far north, clearly. And as for the clementines in the stockings, they are expected in our house as per tradition (in the toe) I've already heard my kids talk about our rituals and the clementine was definitely mentioned. They may even eat it....

[Debra]

We do a tree, some decorations, gifts for kids (now mostly USC), but mostly I just wait for non-baseball season to end.
I'm very curious, what does your hubby think about Papi's trade to the Mets?

[Karlie]

Yes, it really IS that cold up here! My finger are still stiff from being out driving the van about 10 minutes ago (right now it's -15C with a -27 windchill * 5F with -16.6F windchill factor* ). And when it's this cold (what Canadians like to call "a little chilly") making funny things like peter heaters are lots of fun. :D

[Peter's heater]

Don't look at me!

[Amy]

Here here! I second your motion,

Though for the record I just went out and bought Duct tape for all the stockings on my list (and any other good usefull thing to be found at Hill's Hardware flash lights, handwarmers, eyeglass repair kits), let that be a hint for all. This Christmas I'm sick of giving gifts that won't get used, its all hand made so that it will be used out of guilt (heh heh heh) or so usefull they'll forget they didn't buy it themselves.

[Kathleen]

I hated that freaking orange in my stocking. And the nuts. I much preferred the chapstick and the Boy George cassette! :) I am doing some crazy stupid holiday scarf knitting for my kids teachers but they are mindless...just time consuming. Thanks for the reality check.

[Jo]

GREAT! I'm not the only one who feels like this. I am even considering not baking cookies believe it or not, though Stephanie's plate of shortbread almost tempted me. I'll see how festive I'm feeling next week. And just to make you feel less grinchy, I even refuse to have family on Christmas day unless it is a special occasion (like the Xmas before I moved to Canada, I had the inlaws for Xmas). We're having Xmas with friends. People we like, who are also relaxed about this, and who don't make us feel inadequate and shitty when we see them.

I also lucked out with the kid. Her Xmas list consists of zillions of books and a CD player for her room. All do able (and done, actually).

[erin]

Why should only Peters get a heater? Why not Pauls, or Bobs or Joes? I--(someone whispers in my ear what a peter heater actually is) Oh. *grin* Nevermind.

erin (attempting my own Gilda Radner reference)

[Lora]

You are a riot!! lol

Happy Holidays

[froggy]

absolutely hilarious and sooo right!

[ann]

Yay Norma!!! you said it perfectly

[Stasia]

Amen, Norma! We are SO on the same page about the holidays.

Love the Snow Queen set! What is the sequin stuff???

How wild about your former boss' book being published this month and you just posting about it!

Have an ENJOYABLE holiday. :-)